Imposter: one that assumes false identity or title for the purpose of deception
My false identity: a musician. It’s a sham. A costume I put on to convince people that I did not in fact drop out of getting my music degree. I actually have a degree in science. This is just a hobby.
Syndrome: group of signs or symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality or condition; set of concurrent things that usually form an identifiable pattern.
Abnormality? Am i in fact a musician? I can perform?
Imposter syndrome: psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success.
Me: persistently doubting my abilities. Even though I have the accomplishments to defend it. Still in fear that someone is going to come along, and outplay me, and show everyone that i am not as great as i appear to be.
It's dumb.
One of the thoughts that accompany my performance anxiety is the question if the audience even wants to hear this music, and whether they will actually enjoy it, and if i’m competent enough to be the one portraying it.
I’ve gotten over the majority of my performance anxiety. I can sit down in front of a group of people and feel okay about playing. However - this self doubt creeps up. What if people don’t like it? What if I don’t play these pieces as well as i have practiced them? What if they really aren’t played as well as I think they are? What about all these musicians on youtube that are better than me?
I feel a sense of not belonging. Like an imposter. I do my best to try to fit in, but its not always working. Its a syndrome. Its abnormal. Its psychological. Its not real.
Being a musician can be very discouraging. When you see the term ‘Arts’ it generally refers to visual arts. You can find art in museums, in airports, restaurants. Art is auctioned off for tens of thousands of dollars.
Then there’s social media. There is a lot of competition. How do you get ahead?
Short answer: you don’t.
How could my streaming profile compete with Taylor Swift? It won’t.
And why bother streaming? Seriously. You have to pay a distribution company just to put your music on streaming platforms. Then you have to have 1,000 streams before you can start making 0.004 $ a stream.
How could I feel like i belong there?
There’s a sense of isolation when you choose to play an obscure style of music, and then be the only person in the area that plays it. Anytime i play - the audience is generally hearing music they have never heard before. It’s quite the privilege, but the thought it clear: most people want to hear something familiar. Regardless of your talent.
The final thought - I don’t really have extensive formal training. I don’t have a degree in music. I did a lot of self-teaching. There are things i don’t know about. I don’t ‘jam’, i don’t like Led Zeppelin, i don’t know about gear or pedals.
But let’s put all that aside, and admit, I am not an imposter. I offer a unique contribution to my city’s talent. I bring forth music that others would not otherwise be able to hear. I am keeping this centuries old tradition alive.
Remind me to find joy in that. Remind me to appreciate the compliments i receive. Remind me to feel grateful for the audience that appreciates my skill.
(I first drafted this when the Tortured Poets Department was released.... for frame of reference )